Together...

I started writing this blog as a way to get my feelings out, as my way of saying that a soldier having PTSD is not the end of the list of people it affects. The entire family of the soldier is affected and it isn't easy for any of the people involved. Some days I want to scream at people who look at my family weird when my husband is getting agitated at nothing. They look at me with pity and I hate it! They don't understand that my husband isn't just being a jerk, he's actually trying really hard not to take it out on me, it's something that he fights to control on a minute to minute basis. My husband is a soldier, at work and at home. He fights not only for his country but also to control the beast inside of him. And I am there doing my best to support him through it, it's not easy but he is very worth it!

My wish is that the people of the world would understand and not judge him, or me, for living our lives in the best way that we know how. Yes, we struggle some days but he is worth each and every second. I will go through the tough moments so that I can have the tender ones... My request is that anyone who reads this will try not to judge someone else's situation based on a single moment as you have no idea what might be going on. I have no doubt that my husband loves me more with every breath he takes, the same way I love him. And for that reason, we will continue to fight our way through this illness the best way we know how, together!

Thanks...

With thanksgiving looming I find myself looking to the past as well as the future. I know that this life is not an easy one but I am truely thankful that I have been able to meet and call some of this country's heroes my friends. I am thankful for my husband, even on his bad days, because as much as he drives me crazy I love him with all of my heart.

I wouldn't be able to get through this life without the support of my friends, they are always there when I need an ear and I hope that they can say the same thing about me. They have become my family, the family that I have created for myself and my children. My children are very lucky to have a bunch of aunts and uncles that will always be there, no matter what mistakes they make. They are just children but they already have a legacy, they understand war in ways that no child should ever have to understand. They have stood quietly at funerals and memorials for people they knew, young people that died far before their time, those same people that fought for all the children of several countries to live in a place of peace.

I have seen people protesting the Afghanistan commitment, people that haven't done their research to know the good that has been done. Tyrants cannot be allowed to run things and if that means that I have to deal with my husband having PTSD, it's the least I can do. I am thankful to be married to a man that believes in trying to make the world a better place, he will do what he does, so that my children don't have to.

"army mode"

I find that when my husband is getting ready to go away for a while he spends his last day at home very hesitant to get involved with the workings of the house and tends to be a bit of a jerk to everyone.  I call this "army mode".  From what I understand, it's his subconscious way of making the act of leaving a little easier on him.  I'll admit, it drives me insane!!!  My husband is generally very involved with things in the house and very attentive to the members of our family.  It's almost like he wants us not to want him here so he doesn't have to feel bad about leaving.  I always try to get the issues resolved before he walks out the door as I tend to over analyze things if I am left too long to rethink them.  I will admit that I tend to blow things a little out of proportion if I can't deal with them immediately, it's something that I have been trying my entire life to fix.  I haven't yet managed to make that happen!

This whole "army mode" thing is something I've struggled with for a long time.  I try my best to always leave things on a good note with everything I do, that's who I am.  I'm sure I drive my husband insane with my need to discuss things until I feel better, especially the night before he goes away.  I just want it to be a happy goodbye, obviously I will miss him like crazy but I want that last smile to be one that will stick in my brain until I get to see him again.  I never know when the next time I will speak to him will be, I don't want negative feelings to get in the middle of our great relationship.

I can honestly say that no amount of "army mode" or beast visits will make me love him any less, send me a little closer to boarding the crazy train perhaps, but never make me love him less.

Why?

I have always known that there were many of us going through the same thing behind closed doors at the same time.  I guess I didn't realize how many of us feel the same way, completely alone.  I have recently been thanked quite a bit for writing my blog, it has given some people a small amount of relief knowing that they are not alone in this.  I wish that there were a more personal way than being on the other end of a computer somewhere out there for us all to reassured.  The methods they have come up with so far aren't working as no one I have spoken to feels comfortable going outside their little box for fear of rumours and fallout with partner's careers.  This is bull$*%#!  Sorry for the direct language but there isn't really any other descriptive work that quite covers it.

In this community we seem to band together for a deployment and there's a ton of moral support from other spouses and then they come home and we're all on our own.  I remember feeling like I had crawled into a hole and became invisible.  No one came to my door anymore and the coffee dates stopped.  Why do we do this to each other?  Why is this community more apt to discuss others behind their backs than checking to see if the other is ok.  I will admit to having been guilty of this in the past, and then I felt the other side of that sword, take it from me, it's not nice.  I have tried ever since to stay out of those circles and have found myself very isolated because of it. 

So here's my question, and I would love feedback... 

If serving with the military creates a brotherhood seldom found elsewhere, why isn't there a sisterhood with their partners?

The little things...

Anyone in a relationship knows that there are things that will cause stress on a good day.  I find that sometimes those little things pile up and almost seem to be a lead weight on your good mood.  I have been so busy lately trying to sort out how to get through all of these little issues that I haven't had any time to sit down and write this blog.  I've honestly missed it!  I have always prided myself on making the best of crappy situations and these last 2 weeks I have noticed that my positive outlook took a nosedive. 

I had a big birthday and it threw me for a loop.  I get so wrapped up in the day to day that my birthday creeps up on me and knocks me off track.  This year it was a little worse than normal being that I started a new decade.  I have nothing to complain about, it just means that I'm not as young as I was.  I'm coming to grips with it.

We have also had visitors to our new home that seemed to have high expectations for the way we are "supposed" to be doing things.  I wish that I could scream from the rooftop that my husband has PTSD and sometimes he has bad days, but that is no reflection on who he is.  He isn't being grumpy on purpose.  Sometimes things just bother him more than they would bother other people and answering for those mood swings only makes it worse.  This disorder is difficult and my husband does his best to work through things without snapping but sometimes that doesn't work out.  This is something that we deal with every single day as a family, and it simply is what it is.

I find that sometimes having guests reminds him too much of being overseas and being watched every moment of every day just in case he's doing something that he shouldn't, or not doing something that he should be.  I know it seems silly to compare a house guest to an overseas deployment but it seems that in some ways, one is reminiscent of the other.  It takes over a week for him to come back down to his normal level of calm after a visit.  Now don't get me wrong, it's not that he doesn't want any visitors, he does, it just takes him outside of his full comfort zone.  When someone comes to visit it's a bit of an awakening for them to see how we live our lives, and sometimes that awakening is a rude one. 

Our family isn't perfect, never has been, never will be, but we don't expect it to be.  We live our lives with a daily goal of keeping a smile in our hearts.  We generally succeed more than we fail and that in itself is enough.

Miscommunication

I'm sure that in families without PTSD interference, a simple miscommunication blows over very fast and can be worked out without drama. I find that it isn't quite that simple for us.

Lately it seems that messages aren't getting through for some reason, and that is driving me crazy. I have been told several times that I didn't say something to my husband when I remember doing so, and vice versa.  This hasn't really happened to us before, this one's new!  Most of it is very simple stuff too.  Our toddler learned to climb from the couch onto his high chair and sit down in it.  He did this a few days ago for the first time and I remember telling my husband about it.  Well he did it in front of my husband for the first time this morning and when he came to tell me and I reminded him that it wasn't the first time, I was told that I had not informed him so it was surprising for him.  This came as he was walking away from me.  I hate it when he walks away from me like that.  I fully understand that you're frustrated but walking away in that kind of manner just makes things a million times worse.  And because I know he reads my blogs, I'll admit that sometimes I'm guilty of it too. 

Apparently today was an "I want to shut my brain off" kind of day for him and he didn't communicate that to me so I tried to deal with this issue and it didn't go over well at all.  I interrupted his video game and that was like the end of the world.  I'm fully aware that this sounds ridiculous.  I'll admit that I have times where I try to escape from reality with a book or a movie and I don't like to be interrupted either but I try not to get upset about it.  Most of our disagreements stem from some insignificant miscommunication and turn into these huge ordeals instead of being discussed immediately, we're working on this issue but it's definitely not solved yet.

I adore my husband so I will work through these things with him but it sure would make life easier if we could have our miscommunications dealt with quickly and painlessly!

Friends

With everything that I go through with my husband and his PTSD I can't stop trying to help people through their struggles.  I cannot turn away when someone needs help through something.  It is a large part of who I am and admittedly, it took a long time for my husband to understand it.

I have friends who were in the military who didn't realize that they had a problem until it was too late so they are now starting over.  They now know what the underlying reason was but that doesn't help with processing the loss of a marriage.  It sucks no matter the reasoning or how amicable a split was.  My heart goes out to them and I do what I can to be there for them to talk to.  When I split with my ex, I fully expected that his buddies from the military would no longer be my friends.  I thought that the brotherhood would take over and I would be on the outside.  This wasn't the case at all!  There were so many of his military friends that came to my side when I needed them and I will be forever grateful.  I believe in paying things forward and so I will be there for them when they need me, that is what a friend is.  I know that these days, friends tend to be very fickle and don't see the problem with that.  I have a few of these but can say that the majority of the people I call friends will be there for me like I am there for them.  If that means a midnight phone call, so be it.  The time of day never matters to me, if someone needs to talk through something, I will be there.

My husband and I try to teach our children that a true friend will always be there and not to pour their heart into every person they meet.  I'm sure that seems contradictory but we are trying to shield them from the heartache of realizing that someone you thought was your friend, really isn't.  As I see it, there are two types of friends, those who will throw you under the bus and those who will pull you out from under that bus.  I make the conscious decision to keep those around me to the ones who would pull me out.  That is what I want for my children. and that is what I try to be for them.

So in reading all of this, what kind of friend are you to the people in your life?