Thank you so very much to all of the people who have read, commented and messaged me about my blog! It has been a little overwhelming. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for leaving you all hanging on my last post...
The time since my last entry has been a roller coaster to say the least. We went from a calm, healthy and stable home, through another deployment, and then into the abyss of this awful illness yet again. I knew that another deployment would break the fragile safety net that we had come to rely on and enjoy but I swallowed my feelings and kissed him goodbye. I am happy to say that we found bliss on the other side of the beast (after a whole lot of work on his part) before and we will do it again.
I think the most frustrating part about this whole thing is that so many people who don't live with PTSD believe whole-heartedly that it can & will be cured. This isn't something that just goes away. Sure the symptoms and difficulties can be mitigated and we all can learn to live with the consequences of it but, it never disappears. When things are good, we all try to forget the "beast" moments and move forward but that darn other shoe is always hovering over our heads. And we can't seem to make it go away... I found myself wondering what would bring that grouchy, difficult person around all the time. What would be that small, seemingly insignificant failure on my part that would send us back into a tailspin again.
Unfortunately, I found it!
A few weeks after he returned home again, that sullen being arrived back in my home. When the elation cleared, the grump came back. I did my best to convince him that he needed to go back to talk to someone to no avail. I had to sit there for months and wait for him to figure it out on his own. I was waiting on the "beast" to make his appearance, but he didn't. I had this new creature, not the angry one I knew before, but this new miserable & sad lump formerly known as my amazing husband. (It's funny, I have been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to think of a better word than "lump" to describe that new creature and I am completely at a loss!)
One Saturday back in March, he just completely lost himself and became this frustrated, weeping disaster (sorry, love, but it's true). This was a new one. He was angry and crying, livid and pathetic, almost like he was so very lost at that moment that he couldn't even decide how he felt. It was awful and I didn't know what to do...
We ended up sitting down as a family and hashing it out. I felt that after everything, my kids deserved to know what was happening and why. On the Monday, he went for help, again.
I was mad, not at him, but at the world!
I was trying to come to grips with how they could have done this to him again. He was good, better than good, and then they took him away from us again. I lost myself for a while, trying to make things tolerable for my family. Luckily for me, I have an amazing support group full of women that were stuck on this ride with me, to remind me that I'm not alone in this. I can't sugar coat this experience, it's just plain awful. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will get my husband back, someday.
For the last 7 months we have been on a journey of seeking help. It has not been as easy to find as it was last time, that in itself has led me to great anger. I don't think I will ever quite understand why it is so hard for someone seeking help to find it. They say there are programs to help people, but they are so booked that it takes forever. Here, have some meds (that turn him into a walking zombie, and no, I'm not joking), then hurry up and wait. What the heck kind of solution is that?
There have been many times over the last months that I have wanted to walk into his place of employment and rip people a new one, but I didn't... I wanted to call the media, but I didn't... I didn't, only because I knew deep down that it wouldn't make a difference, it wouldn't help him any faster, and I would be more angry when I was done.
For now, I will continue to be "ok" and "good" when asked, unless I'm in the company of people on this "crazy" ride (and yes, I meant it like that). I will put on my happy face and get through this stretch, because sometimes that's all there is.
So that's my update (and rant) for now. We're finally getting somewhere now. One of these days I'll get to be the mess and have a really bad day.
Someday...
