Roller Coaster... And Someday...

Thank you so very much to all of the people who have read, commented and messaged me about my blog! It has been a little overwhelming.  I apologize from the bottom of my heart for leaving you all hanging on my last post...

The time since my last entry has been a roller coaster to say the least.  We went from a calm, healthy and stable home, through another deployment, and then into the abyss of this awful illness yet again.  I knew that another deployment would break the fragile safety net that we had come to rely on and enjoy but I swallowed my feelings and kissed him goodbye.  I am happy to say that we found bliss on the other side of the beast (after a whole lot of work on his part) before and we will do it again.

I think the most frustrating part about this whole thing is that so many people who don't live with PTSD believe whole-heartedly that it can & will be cured. This isn't something that just goes away.  Sure the symptoms and difficulties can be mitigated and we all can learn to live with the consequences of it but, it never disappears. When things are good, we all try to forget the "beast" moments and move forward but that darn other shoe is always hovering over our heads. And we can't seem to make it go away...  I found myself wondering what would bring that grouchy, difficult person around all the time.  What would be that small, seemingly insignificant failure on my part that would send us back into a tailspin again.

Unfortunately, I found it!

A few weeks after he returned home again, that sullen being arrived back in my home.  When the elation cleared, the grump came back. I did my best to convince him that he needed to go back to talk to someone to no avail. I had to sit there for months and wait for him to figure it out on his own.  I was waiting on the "beast" to make his appearance, but he didn't.  I had this new creature, not the angry one I knew before, but this new miserable & sad lump formerly known as my amazing husband.  (It's funny, I have been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to think of a better word than "lump" to describe that new creature and I am completely at a loss!)

One Saturday back in March, he just completely lost himself and became this frustrated, weeping disaster (sorry, love, but it's true).  This was a new one. He was angry and crying, livid and pathetic, almost like he was so very lost at that moment that he couldn't even decide how he felt. It was awful and I didn't know what to do...

We ended up sitting down as a family and hashing it out.  I felt that after everything, my kids deserved to know what was happening and why. On the Monday, he went for help, again.

I was mad, not at him, but at the world!

I was trying to come to grips with how they could have done this to him again.  He was good, better than good, and then they took him away from us again. I lost myself for a while, trying to make things tolerable for my family.  Luckily for me, I have an amazing support group full of women that were stuck on this ride with me, to remind me that I'm not alone in this.  I can't sugar coat this experience, it's just plain awful.  I have to remind myself on a daily basis that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will get my husband back, someday.

For the last 7 months we have been on a journey of seeking help.  It has not been as easy to find as it was last time, that in itself has led me to great anger. I don't think I will ever quite understand why it is so hard for someone seeking help to find it. They say there are programs to help people, but they are so booked that it takes forever.  Here, have some meds (that turn him into a walking zombie, and no, I'm not joking), then hurry up and wait. What the heck kind of solution is that?

There have been many times over the last months that I have wanted to walk into his place of employment and rip people a new one, but I didn't... I wanted to call the media, but I didn't... I didn't, only because I knew deep down that it wouldn't make a difference, it wouldn't help him any faster, and I would be more angry when I was done.

For now, I will continue to be "ok" and "good" when asked, unless I'm in the company of people on this "crazy" ride (and yes, I meant it like that). I will put on my happy face and get through this stretch, because sometimes that's all there is.

So that's my update (and rant) for now.  We're finally getting somewhere now. One of these days I'll get to be the mess and have a really bad day.

Someday...

Remembrance Day

As most military families know too well, remembering the fallen is not reserved for a single day of the year.  Many of us have death anniversaries throughout the year, the days where our friends and loved ones were killed.  Remembrance Day is the day that they are all on the brain, that we are reminded why they died.  I find that the weeks before Remembrance Day are harder than any other time of year, at least they are for my family. 

My husband had some friends over for dinner this past weekend and they ended up staying over and having breakfast with us as well.  It reminded me of times when that was a weekly occurrence, before our country went overseas to participate in combat missions, back in the easy days.  It made me think of all the friends that are no longer able to come and visit our home.  I thought of times that our friend Dave slept on the couch after a night out, his quiet demeanor altered by alcohol into a loud, borderline obnoxious comedian.  I smile at the memories that have been left behind and often wish that he could have lived to have a wife and a family.

The days and weeks leading up to November 11th are always a little tougher, fuses are shorter and those eggshells are a little more fragile.  We adjust the best that we can and move forward, we must live each day to the fullest, we are still here, and from the fallen that were in my life, that's what they would have wanted for us to do.  Bagpipes are a touchy spot as they always bring tears to my eyes and I can't get through a Remembrance Day service without tears.  I prefer the outdoor ones because sunglasses can cover a whole lot of watery eyes.  I know that it could have easily been my husband that didn't come home but for some stroke of luck or God's grace, it wasn't his time.  I am a lucky one.

"Someday" doesn't exist in this house, if we can do it today, we will.  No one knows what comes tomorrow and we live for the now.  Now, I can go to the park with my whole family, I can't say that about tomorrow.  But every day when I wake up, I know that I have the safe surroundings for my children to grow because of the men and women who gave their lives to give it to me.  For that, they deserve every ounce of respect I can offer.

I recently saw a story on a Facebook status that reminded me that there are still people who respect why we take the time on Remembrance Day.

Back in September, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Bobcaygeon (north of Peterborough, Ontario) public school, did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks from her classroom.

When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks. 'Ms..Cothren, where're our desks?'  She replied, 'You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk.  They thought, 'Well, maybe it's our grades.' 'No,' she said.  'Maybe it's our behavior.'
She told them, 'No, it's not even your behavior.'

And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still, no desks in the classroom.

By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms.Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room. The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the desk-less classroom, Martha Cothren said, 'throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom.  Now I am going to tell you.' At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.  Twenty-seven (27) War Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk.

The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall. By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.

Martha said, 'You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don't ever forget it.

My family has been permanently altered by the combat mission in Afghanistan and I count myself VERY lucky.  I still have my soul mate.  PTSD is an awful thing.  It's difficult and unpredictable.  It causes problems on a regular basis.  It changes my life from one moment to the next.  And I am still lucky.  I have had the pleasure and honour of knowing some of the men and women who were killed since 2006.  I had the blessing of my grandfathers influencing my life, both WW2 veterans. 

 

Though sometimes it gets away from me and I complain, I am lucky...

Together...

I started writing this blog as a way to get my feelings out, as my way of saying that a soldier having PTSD is not the end of the list of people it affects. The entire family of the soldier is affected and it isn't easy for any of the people involved. Some days I want to scream at people who look at my family weird when my husband is getting agitated at nothing. They look at me with pity and I hate it! They don't understand that my husband isn't just being a jerk, he's actually trying really hard not to take it out on me, it's something that he fights to control on a minute to minute basis. My husband is a soldier, at work and at home. He fights not only for his country but also to control the beast inside of him. And I am there doing my best to support him through it, it's not easy but he is very worth it!

My wish is that the people of the world would understand and not judge him, or me, for living our lives in the best way that we know how. Yes, we struggle some days but he is worth each and every second. I will go through the tough moments so that I can have the tender ones... My request is that anyone who reads this will try not to judge someone else's situation based on a single moment as you have no idea what might be going on. I have no doubt that my husband loves me more with every breath he takes, the same way I love him. And for that reason, we will continue to fight our way through this illness the best way we know how, together!

Thanks...

With thanksgiving looming I find myself looking to the past as well as the future. I know that this life is not an easy one but I am truely thankful that I have been able to meet and call some of this country's heroes my friends. I am thankful for my husband, even on his bad days, because as much as he drives me crazy I love him with all of my heart.

I wouldn't be able to get through this life without the support of my friends, they are always there when I need an ear and I hope that they can say the same thing about me. They have become my family, the family that I have created for myself and my children. My children are very lucky to have a bunch of aunts and uncles that will always be there, no matter what mistakes they make. They are just children but they already have a legacy, they understand war in ways that no child should ever have to understand. They have stood quietly at funerals and memorials for people they knew, young people that died far before their time, those same people that fought for all the children of several countries to live in a place of peace.

I have seen people protesting the Afghanistan commitment, people that haven't done their research to know the good that has been done. Tyrants cannot be allowed to run things and if that means that I have to deal with my husband having PTSD, it's the least I can do. I am thankful to be married to a man that believes in trying to make the world a better place, he will do what he does, so that my children don't have to.

"army mode"

I find that when my husband is getting ready to go away for a while he spends his last day at home very hesitant to get involved with the workings of the house and tends to be a bit of a jerk to everyone.  I call this "army mode".  From what I understand, it's his subconscious way of making the act of leaving a little easier on him.  I'll admit, it drives me insane!!!  My husband is generally very involved with things in the house and very attentive to the members of our family.  It's almost like he wants us not to want him here so he doesn't have to feel bad about leaving.  I always try to get the issues resolved before he walks out the door as I tend to over analyze things if I am left too long to rethink them.  I will admit that I tend to blow things a little out of proportion if I can't deal with them immediately, it's something that I have been trying my entire life to fix.  I haven't yet managed to make that happen!

This whole "army mode" thing is something I've struggled with for a long time.  I try my best to always leave things on a good note with everything I do, that's who I am.  I'm sure I drive my husband insane with my need to discuss things until I feel better, especially the night before he goes away.  I just want it to be a happy goodbye, obviously I will miss him like crazy but I want that last smile to be one that will stick in my brain until I get to see him again.  I never know when the next time I will speak to him will be, I don't want negative feelings to get in the middle of our great relationship.

I can honestly say that no amount of "army mode" or beast visits will make me love him any less, send me a little closer to boarding the crazy train perhaps, but never make me love him less.

Why?

I have always known that there were many of us going through the same thing behind closed doors at the same time.  I guess I didn't realize how many of us feel the same way, completely alone.  I have recently been thanked quite a bit for writing my blog, it has given some people a small amount of relief knowing that they are not alone in this.  I wish that there were a more personal way than being on the other end of a computer somewhere out there for us all to reassured.  The methods they have come up with so far aren't working as no one I have spoken to feels comfortable going outside their little box for fear of rumours and fallout with partner's careers.  This is bull$*%#!  Sorry for the direct language but there isn't really any other descriptive work that quite covers it.

In this community we seem to band together for a deployment and there's a ton of moral support from other spouses and then they come home and we're all on our own.  I remember feeling like I had crawled into a hole and became invisible.  No one came to my door anymore and the coffee dates stopped.  Why do we do this to each other?  Why is this community more apt to discuss others behind their backs than checking to see if the other is ok.  I will admit to having been guilty of this in the past, and then I felt the other side of that sword, take it from me, it's not nice.  I have tried ever since to stay out of those circles and have found myself very isolated because of it. 

So here's my question, and I would love feedback... 

If serving with the military creates a brotherhood seldom found elsewhere, why isn't there a sisterhood with their partners?

The little things...

Anyone in a relationship knows that there are things that will cause stress on a good day.  I find that sometimes those little things pile up and almost seem to be a lead weight on your good mood.  I have been so busy lately trying to sort out how to get through all of these little issues that I haven't had any time to sit down and write this blog.  I've honestly missed it!  I have always prided myself on making the best of crappy situations and these last 2 weeks I have noticed that my positive outlook took a nosedive. 

I had a big birthday and it threw me for a loop.  I get so wrapped up in the day to day that my birthday creeps up on me and knocks me off track.  This year it was a little worse than normal being that I started a new decade.  I have nothing to complain about, it just means that I'm not as young as I was.  I'm coming to grips with it.

We have also had visitors to our new home that seemed to have high expectations for the way we are "supposed" to be doing things.  I wish that I could scream from the rooftop that my husband has PTSD and sometimes he has bad days, but that is no reflection on who he is.  He isn't being grumpy on purpose.  Sometimes things just bother him more than they would bother other people and answering for those mood swings only makes it worse.  This disorder is difficult and my husband does his best to work through things without snapping but sometimes that doesn't work out.  This is something that we deal with every single day as a family, and it simply is what it is.

I find that sometimes having guests reminds him too much of being overseas and being watched every moment of every day just in case he's doing something that he shouldn't, or not doing something that he should be.  I know it seems silly to compare a house guest to an overseas deployment but it seems that in some ways, one is reminiscent of the other.  It takes over a week for him to come back down to his normal level of calm after a visit.  Now don't get me wrong, it's not that he doesn't want any visitors, he does, it just takes him outside of his full comfort zone.  When someone comes to visit it's a bit of an awakening for them to see how we live our lives, and sometimes that awakening is a rude one. 

Our family isn't perfect, never has been, never will be, but we don't expect it to be.  We live our lives with a daily goal of keeping a smile in our hearts.  We generally succeed more than we fail and that in itself is enough.