The little things...

Anyone in a relationship knows that there are things that will cause stress on a good day.  I find that sometimes those little things pile up and almost seem to be a lead weight on your good mood.  I have been so busy lately trying to sort out how to get through all of these little issues that I haven't had any time to sit down and write this blog.  I've honestly missed it!  I have always prided myself on making the best of crappy situations and these last 2 weeks I have noticed that my positive outlook took a nosedive. 

I had a big birthday and it threw me for a loop.  I get so wrapped up in the day to day that my birthday creeps up on me and knocks me off track.  This year it was a little worse than normal being that I started a new decade.  I have nothing to complain about, it just means that I'm not as young as I was.  I'm coming to grips with it.

We have also had visitors to our new home that seemed to have high expectations for the way we are "supposed" to be doing things.  I wish that I could scream from the rooftop that my husband has PTSD and sometimes he has bad days, but that is no reflection on who he is.  He isn't being grumpy on purpose.  Sometimes things just bother him more than they would bother other people and answering for those mood swings only makes it worse.  This disorder is difficult and my husband does his best to work through things without snapping but sometimes that doesn't work out.  This is something that we deal with every single day as a family, and it simply is what it is.

I find that sometimes having guests reminds him too much of being overseas and being watched every moment of every day just in case he's doing something that he shouldn't, or not doing something that he should be.  I know it seems silly to compare a house guest to an overseas deployment but it seems that in some ways, one is reminiscent of the other.  It takes over a week for him to come back down to his normal level of calm after a visit.  Now don't get me wrong, it's not that he doesn't want any visitors, he does, it just takes him outside of his full comfort zone.  When someone comes to visit it's a bit of an awakening for them to see how we live our lives, and sometimes that awakening is a rude one. 

Our family isn't perfect, never has been, never will be, but we don't expect it to be.  We live our lives with a daily goal of keeping a smile in our hearts.  We generally succeed more than we fail and that in itself is enough.

Miscommunication

I'm sure that in families without PTSD interference, a simple miscommunication blows over very fast and can be worked out without drama. I find that it isn't quite that simple for us.

Lately it seems that messages aren't getting through for some reason, and that is driving me crazy. I have been told several times that I didn't say something to my husband when I remember doing so, and vice versa.  This hasn't really happened to us before, this one's new!  Most of it is very simple stuff too.  Our toddler learned to climb from the couch onto his high chair and sit down in it.  He did this a few days ago for the first time and I remember telling my husband about it.  Well he did it in front of my husband for the first time this morning and when he came to tell me and I reminded him that it wasn't the first time, I was told that I had not informed him so it was surprising for him.  This came as he was walking away from me.  I hate it when he walks away from me like that.  I fully understand that you're frustrated but walking away in that kind of manner just makes things a million times worse.  And because I know he reads my blogs, I'll admit that sometimes I'm guilty of it too. 

Apparently today was an "I want to shut my brain off" kind of day for him and he didn't communicate that to me so I tried to deal with this issue and it didn't go over well at all.  I interrupted his video game and that was like the end of the world.  I'm fully aware that this sounds ridiculous.  I'll admit that I have times where I try to escape from reality with a book or a movie and I don't like to be interrupted either but I try not to get upset about it.  Most of our disagreements stem from some insignificant miscommunication and turn into these huge ordeals instead of being discussed immediately, we're working on this issue but it's definitely not solved yet.

I adore my husband so I will work through these things with him but it sure would make life easier if we could have our miscommunications dealt with quickly and painlessly!

Friends

With everything that I go through with my husband and his PTSD I can't stop trying to help people through their struggles.  I cannot turn away when someone needs help through something.  It is a large part of who I am and admittedly, it took a long time for my husband to understand it.

I have friends who were in the military who didn't realize that they had a problem until it was too late so they are now starting over.  They now know what the underlying reason was but that doesn't help with processing the loss of a marriage.  It sucks no matter the reasoning or how amicable a split was.  My heart goes out to them and I do what I can to be there for them to talk to.  When I split with my ex, I fully expected that his buddies from the military would no longer be my friends.  I thought that the brotherhood would take over and I would be on the outside.  This wasn't the case at all!  There were so many of his military friends that came to my side when I needed them and I will be forever grateful.  I believe in paying things forward and so I will be there for them when they need me, that is what a friend is.  I know that these days, friends tend to be very fickle and don't see the problem with that.  I have a few of these but can say that the majority of the people I call friends will be there for me like I am there for them.  If that means a midnight phone call, so be it.  The time of day never matters to me, if someone needs to talk through something, I will be there.

My husband and I try to teach our children that a true friend will always be there and not to pour their heart into every person they meet.  I'm sure that seems contradictory but we are trying to shield them from the heartache of realizing that someone you thought was your friend, really isn't.  As I see it, there are two types of friends, those who will throw you under the bus and those who will pull you out from under that bus.  I make the conscious decision to keep those around me to the ones who would pull me out.  That is what I want for my children. and that is what I try to be for them.

So in reading all of this, what kind of friend are you to the people in your life?

Why I'm one of the lucky few...

I count myself very lucky that my husband has admitted that he has a problem to handle.  It took a while for him to really take notice and admit that there was an issue, but he did, and it was in time to save our family.  This isn't always the case.  In fact it's probably only about half of the soldiers who admit that there's an issue.  When someone enlists, they are taught to be hard individuals, taught to deal with any problem alone.  PTSD is not one of those things that can be handled alone. 

There was a time in our relationship where I questioned whether or not to stay while he was pushing me further and further away.  I chose to fight for my family and in my case, it paid off.  I have seen many other families go the other way.  Far too often I hear stories of people blowing up their entire lives and laying blame on their spouses for their problems.  Their anger gets directed at an innocent person and sometimes it's too much to take.  It happened to me in my first marriage.  I could never do anything right and in the end, he chose to be with someone who didn't know who he was before he went overseas.  This way, he could move forward without admitting that he was the issue.  It happens all the time in military families all over the world.

The military used to be a great big family.  I've been told many times that there is no friendship like it.  These people are friends for life and can always be counted on in times of trouble.  It's what military families have always done, as there's an unspoken understanding unlike any other.  With the high rate of PTSD, this community has been affected and just isn't the same as it used to be.  These guys wreak havoc on their personal lives and stop talking to their friends.  What happens when someone with mental issues is completely isolated?  It shouldn't happen.  Friendships die off and soldiers find themselves very alone.  If you ask my opinion, that's why the suicide instances are becoming more frequent. 

My husband was able to find help before it was too late for our family.  He has admitted that if it weren't for the family, he would have found himself at rock bottom and could very well not be alive right now.  Not due to suicide but due to poor choices like drinking and driving.  So I count myself as one of the lucky few who can go through this and come out the other side of the red tape with a close family unit.  I wish that were the case for everyone!

Reasons?

I don't know everything that happened to my husband in Afghanistan, I doubt I even know half of it, but that doesn't matter.  I will never ask him.  Any information that he wants to volunteer will be welcomed but other than that, I leave it alone.  I know that most people ask him if he's killed someone, does it matter?  If he did, then it wouldn't have been the man who sleeps beside me every night, it would have been the infantry soldier.  We had a long conversation last night about just that.

When he was upset one day, probably a year ago, I told him what my grandfather had said to me about his military service.  He was a WWII vet and as with most WWII vets, he didn't discuss it.  I had asked him about it once and I will never forget what he said to me.  He told me that a man in a war is not the same man at home.  He told me that the man I saw before me was not the same man who participated in military actions against Hitler's army.  He also told me that the things a soldier does in times of war are things that they would never even think of doing at home.  This is the training, it becomes auto-pilot.  The man in front of me was the man I loved and adored, my grandfather, and he was such a loving, caring teddy bear of a man that I couldn't imagine him hurting another human being, but I know that to be standing in front of me, he had to.

My husband is very much like my grandfather was and if I could have any wish come true, they would have had a chance to meet before he passed away.  I deal with PTSD every day and I don't know what caused it, nor does it matter.  We were out running errands a little while ago and some idiot cut into our lane, narrowly missing us, to go around another car, my husband shrugged it off.  We saw the same car 5 minutes later and the guy swerved into the oncoming traffic lane that we were in, just to prove a point.  We pulled into our destination, the dreaded grocery store, and I could tell that my husband was seeing red.  He was waiting.  Waiting to see if this guy was going to come into the parking lot for words (thank God, he didn't!).  We sat there for a few minutes, neither saying a word.  I asked him if he just wanted to try again tomorrow for the groceries, he agreed that it was a better idea to go home as he knew that any small thing would send him over the edge.  That is never good!

We came home, and will try again tomorrow.  Sometimes, this is what we have to do to make things a little easier to handle.  Compromise is a very important thing in a family like ours. 

PTSD or just plain stubborn?

Maybe I'm old school in my thinking that when someone leaves the home or intends to leave they should communicate with their partner, especially when there are kids to care for. My husband seems to think that by doing this, he is asking permission, I disagree.

Take for example this morning. My husband came to tell me that he was going to look at tires. I was under the impression that we were taking care of this when we were doing errands later in the day. Apparently I shouldn't have asked about it because we went from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds. Now to clarify, I did not tell him that I didn't want him to go, to be honest it was fine. I was merely seeking comprehension of a plan change.  Before I knew it, he was in a huff walking away from me.

I find myself wondering if it would be this way if he didn't have PTSD.  Would it be easier to have a conversation with him about something so mundane if he didn't get upset so fast?  So now we're at a stalemate, he is hiding in the basement with his video games while I stew upstairs.  I did try to talk to him again after a cooling off period but he's stubborn and didn't want to ease up and hear my side.  I realize that I am his wife, not his parent, so why does he assume that he's asking permission and not merely communicating his intentions?  Perhaps I need to remind him?

I always ensure that my plan is not going to inconvenience his, I think that it is just a courtesy owed to a partner.  Sometimes the timing of my plan doesn't work, sometimes it does.  This is just something I do and expect the same in return. 

I'll admit, I'm not looking forward to the rest of the day now as this will be held against me and will make for very short fuses.