As I sat quietly at the lake I realized that if I am going to reach the goal I set out for myself, I would have to explain some of my past. Aside from the PTSD my husband has, my life is pretty ideal. The truth is that I was married before, he was also a soldier, and it ended badly.
My ex spent 18 months in denial about his PTSD. I tried to tell him that he needed some help and he refused to see what I saw. I was labelled a "nag" and ignored. He also tuned out his friends and family who said the same thing. I continued to support him through the highs and lows. I got through my single parenting while he was in the other room. I moved 3284kms across the country, away from all my friends, family and support systems, to support him in his trade transfer out of the infantry. I was at home with 2 kids, all alone in a new place, while he was confined to barracks for his course. He was able to come home after 6 weeks. I remember being in the kitchen making pancakes, his request, the morning after he arrived home when my world flipped upside down. He told me that he didn't love me and that he didn't think that he ever had.
I remember standing there in utter disbelief while holding a spatula in my hand. My jaw must have slammed to the floor. He was stone cold like he had commented on the weather. Somehow I managed to ask him to explain himself and he did, he remained cold as he told me that he felt nothing for me. It was the start of the thanksgiving weekend.
I spent the next 2 months trying to save my family, he moved out to an apartment on his own almost immediately. The big change was that he admitted to needing help, that was what gave me hope. I sought out my own therapy and went to get help with how to deal with the whole situation. Two whole months I struggled with my marriage and two kids on my own. He wasn't spending more than an hour or two a week with the kids.
Christmas came and we were all going home. My ex left early with my son while I waited until my daughter's school let out. An army buddy of my ex's came over for a visit the night before I left and he gave me the missing piece of the puzzle I was living in. There was someone else, and there had been since June. He moved the kids and I half way across the country, away from everything we knew, all while having an affair! I was in a daze until I set eyes on him when I landed in my home town the next day. I remember looking him in the eye and saying "I know!" He looked confused, I simply repeated myself and added the word 'everything' at the end. Then he knew what I was talking about and I watched as all the color drained from his face as he muttered something about not having to take this and turned to leave. He had agreed to take me to my mom's house so I advised him that he would be driving to my mother's, we would be dropping the kids with her and we would be having a private conversation. We did just that and he eventually admitted to everything.
Something in my heart told me that I needed to try to save my family despite it all. I spent another six weeks fighting for my family. My grandmother passed away in January, followed close behind by my grandfather. He wasn't there for me when I needed him. A friend from high school and I had a conversation on Facebook late one night, he told me to move home and start over because I was too good a person to be treated like that. 24 hours later I found out that he died in his sleep, he was 26. That was the smack in the face that I needed. My ex told me that his mistress was flying there for Valentines Day. As calmly as possible, not an easy feat in that situation, I advised him that if she stepped foot in the province that I would be in a lawyer's office filing separation papers and moving the children and I home. She arrived and I followed through. My marriage was over. The one thing that gave me comfort was knowing that I did every single thing I could to save it, I couldn't save a partnership without a partner.
Note: I included the basic information in this post. To explain everything that happened in that marriage would take a very long time. I had chairs thrown at me (thankfully, he missed), holes punched in walls beside my head and have been blamed for everything that you can possibly imagine. My children were affected and forever changed. It was not a pleasant experience.
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