Little Moments Missed

Many people with PTSD have VERY short fuses.  It doesn't take much to upset them and they are very quick to anger.  I have mentioned before that we have 3 beautiful children and they are also affected by PTSD being in the house.  They too have learned to tiptoe around when the beast is visiting.  I can't even begin to tell you how many times they have been surprised by the response to a question they have asked their dad if he's in a bad mood.  Something simple can turn into a large problem.

Yesterday, the beast made an extended visit and it made for a very tough day.  We're not sure why he came so abruptly or why he stayed so long.  We took our older son fishing in the river first thing in the morning.  He is just learning so he requires a lot of help.  He refused to bait his own hook, as he said that worms are slimy, and the beast got aggravated.  His response to the beast lately has been to pout and hide, this is very effective at frustrating the beast.  So my son went to sit in the car for a few minutes.  Once I had reeled my line in, I went to try another tactic to the problem.  I gave him a piece of worm that had fallen off my hook, a very small piece that wasn't going to fight with him.  He gave in and put the piece on his hook.  The smile and pride that crossed his face erased the pout and upset immediately.  This was a very proud moment for our son and the beast made my husband miss it.  He baited his own hook for the rest of the time we were fishing without complaint.  The beast didn't allow my husband to be proud and excited for him, it made him stand off to the side and grunt.

It makes me sad to know that my husband has missed any of these little things and will continue to miss them.  He was there but not able to see past the frustration to enjoy the moment.  This is something that this disorder has taken from him.  Anyone with children knows that they grow up far too quickly and once they do, these moments are gone. I think that's why sometimes I try too hard with them, try to make up for the beast coming.  I have been told that I'm a push over with them but I suppose that's my way of finding a balance in the midst of this. 

I wish that I could make the beast disappear forever but I can't.  I wish that I could make PTSD stop interfering with our children's memories, but I can't.  We make the best of the cards we are dealt, and I am making the best of mine.

I have learned to wait until my husband is very calm and I take that moment to sit down with him and ask him what's bothering him.  Sometimes he knows, others he doesn't.  Heck, sometimes he doesn't even know that he's in a bad mood!  This seems to be the most effective way of making the beast go away, and yes it has backfired many times, but I keep trying just as he does to get better.